Notes on Western femaleness in Peru
This is a work in progress, people… I’m building it up into something a little more coherent for one of this month’s Matador Abroad pieces. In the meantime, I’d love to hear about your experiences as a female traveller or expat in Latin America.
Image: turboalieno via flickr
I wasn’t going to cry. Instead I took a long sip of too-sweet Pisco and lemonade and leant back against the cold kitchen counter-top. He appeared not to notice the jagged edges of my smile as I nodded and thanked him for telling me.
“Bueno, ¿vamos?”
He led the way out of the kitchen and back in to the party next door. I topped up my drink, and followed.
…
“He told you that during Gabriel’s birthday?”
I inhale acrid jungle tobacco smoke and shrug.
“They have a messed-up view of women here. And Western women especially. And money. Don’t worry about it.”
“I know.”
“I fought with Pedro the other day. He had a go at me for having a thing for local boys. When he only dates gringas.”
…
My passport was sitting on the desk and caught Javier’s eye. He asked if he could flick through it; I nodded, distracted by a stack of invoices to be recorded and filed. He paused at my stamp for Colombia, horrified.
I’d been to Colombia? More to the point, my father and brother had allowed me to go to Colombia?
I searched for diplomatic Spanish, reminding myself that he means well, is concerned for my safety. I found myself letting out a disgustingly girlish giggle, protesting ineffectually that really it’s quite safe these days, the people were lovely. I attempted to explain that my parents had in fact said very little, that as far as they were concerned I was more capable than my brother. His expression didn’t change; my protests faded into silence.
He exclaimed again as he reached the visa for Cambodia.
…
Before the kitchen, when I still wore an unforced smile.
Maria arrives with friends, quite early in the night (by Peruvian standards at least). Introductions are made, and another round of the endless cheek-kissing that characterises any South American social encounter. She sits across the table, looks across at me and Jenny, two gringas sitting in a circle of Peruvian boys.
“So, who’s girlfriends are you?”
…
“Everybody thinks that. I mean obviously not us, we’re your friends, but everybody else, they all talk about it. That you’re the silly gringa, that the boys are taking advantage of you with the hostel.”
I was silent, the counter-top a cold line across my back. He went on to tell me just who thought the boys, my business partners, my boyfriend, were systematically draining me of the endless fund of money I presumably, as a Westerner, had.
Many of them were in my living room. Drinking my vodka, dropping ash on my floor.
“And then you said today, you only had S/.40 left to shop for the party, and I said to Álvaro, ‘que tonta la Cam‘. Like you only had S/.40.”
I wasn’t sure if I was being reprimanded for being too free with my money, or not free enough.
This piece, plus everybody’s input, ended up as Tales from the frontier of expat life: A white Western woman in Peru over at Matador. Check it out, and join the conversation.
and yes, meeting up for a drink would be awesome! And I know!! I’m such a...
“He appeared not to notice the jagged edges of my smile as I nodded and thanked him for telling me.” — a beautiful, powerful line.
Thanks Ant! Makes my day to hear that
Love the style, the descriptions and the fragmentation
Denise
Is the point of the post to say how difficult it is to be an independent woman in Peru?
I think you conveyed that, and how prejudiced and narrow-minded society is as well. I'm from Argentina and although our society is more liberal than in Peru, I ended up marrying a Brit and not an Argentinean, I wasn't comfortable with the way men treated me and their view of women.
He told you that during Gabriel’s birthday?” (I'm dying to know what he told you)
I inhale acrid jungle tobacco smoke and shrug.
“They have a messed-up view of women here. And Western women especially. And money. Don’t worry about it.” (I don't doubt it, but what exactly is their view?)
“I know.”
“I fought with Pedro the other day. He had a go at me for having a thing for local boys. When he only dates gringas.” (Oh yes, and cheating is all right if the cheater is a man, but a woman? no way!)
You definitely piqued my curiosity. I want to know more.
I left you a comment on Facebook about someone I know in Peru. It may or may not be what you were looking for.
Thanks Ana! I'm struggling with how to express this because its not anything really specific or obvious or flat-out offensive… more that I feel like very few people here actually look at me and SEE me, not the fact that I'm a women or a gringa. Weird. Nice to know I'm on more or less the right track, piquing curiosity, before I start working it up.
Cheers Denise! BTW great idea for the why I travel series, give me a week or so to get on it…
Powerful post. I can't add any experiences as a woman in Peru or even in a Spanish speaking place but I can say I had my share of gut-aching, rug-out-from-under-you crap during my 6 years in Turkey. The same old stuff about being taken advantage of by men, never really being quite sure what their intentions are, being treated as if you are being stupid and irresponsible just going away to a nearby town for the weekend (you dare not even mention your months in Africa or in Oman or in India…) and on and on. I think my jadedness deepened more during my first 2 years in Turkey than at any other point in my adult life.
I know what you mean. I've never been quite so deeply suspicious of people's intentions before in my life, and as someone who generally cheerily went about assuming everybody meant well and could be trusted its been quite a painful learning experience. I just hope it doesn't jade me too much.
I'm sorry to hear that. When you grow up in these countries, you learn from an early age that not everyone has your best interest at heart.
My rule of thumb is: if a strange man smiles at you or says something nice out of the blue, he wants to get you in the sac. Sad, but true.
Yup, my sheltered Australian upbringing has not necessarily been the best
thing! Not to worry though, I'm tough. And getting exceptionally good at
telling people to leave me alone!
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Intriguing little snippet. It is interesting that no matter where a woman travels to, it can be seen as silly or unsafe. I told my Dad i was going to Spain and he asked me if it was safe. It is always so frustrating for me when men make assumptions that woman can't travel as if lacking the common senses.
In Turkey, I learned to not look men in the eye when out walking. I hadn't even realized this until I moved to Shanghai and my newly met male Canadian colleague asked me directly why I looked everywhere but at him when we were first introduced. In Turkey, especially in the conservative middle and eastern bits, if you look at a man you don't know or smile at him, you're basically shouting out “I'm a whore! Hi! Do me!” It took me a while to catch on to that, and in the meantime, I acquired a string of dubiously interested men who pretty much stalked me for my first few years because I'd given out the wrong signals.
As for not knowing who to trust, I have one story for the grandkids: not one but two serious boyfriends abruptly left me for arranged marriages with women they'd never even met face to face. One of them even had the nerve to then ask me to officially be his mistress after the wedding.
I must say, I think your writing is great and very touching. I have been reading your blog on and off and enjoying it. I was in South America for 5 months up until February and almost positive that I met you, actually most likely while I was in Cusco. I'm planning on moving back down for a while after travelling through Central, I would love to touch base with you and hear some honest to goodness facts on how life is going abroad for you in S.A!!!!??
Great writing again…
Thanks Sherri! Lovely to hear. The next few days I'm going to be crazy
busy with the hostel, a Matador piece that's overdue AND uni but as soon as
I can I'll shoot you an email with all the gory facts! If you don't hear
from me, don't hesitate to get in touch again – the contact page will send
an email straight to me.
Safe travels through Central America!
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Thanks!!That would be great!! Can not wait to touch base with another girl living abroad in Latin America!!
Best of luck in the opening of the hostel, I will definitely stay a night or 6 on my way back down!!xxxx
Hi,
Loving your blog! I just came back from two months in South America, and desperately want to go back.
I spent some time with a young Bolivian man while in La Paz and can see where you are coming from. I was flattered by the way that chivalrism is so alive – I didn’t pay for drinks (which embarassed and frustrated me – the Aussie in me couldn’t stand not shouting her round) never opened a door and was always given a seat… but –
when all of a sudden you are the minority, you can’t help but feel exoticised. Some of the differences in how men and women interact are… a little jutting (just when you felt like you were fitting right in, someone said something that reminds you that you’re not at home) Being told by a 17 year old what to do in a serious and lecturing tone was definitely a … giggle. “Hey gringa, hold your drink… you gringa’s can’t cope with Bolivian alcohol..”
Thanks for reading Natalie! It’s definitely adjustment for an Aussie girl, huh? I’m independent to a fault so have to remind myself to take a deep breath and not get too crabby…. But wouldn’t it be boring if everything WERE the same?
Thanks for reading Natalie! It’s definitely adjustment for an Aussie girl, huh? I’m independent to a fault so have to remind myself to take a deep breath and not get too crabby…. But wouldn’t it be boring if everything WERE the same?
Oh god – it would be terrible! In retrospect, the greatest parting gift that South America gave me (I haven’t travelled anywhere else, and am sure that this is just a part of travelling in general) was the experience of doing/thinking/seeing cultural things differently. It helps you to realise that so much of what we think of as normal is a cultural construct – not set in stone.
While I didn’t necessarily like or agree with everything, I found experiencing Latino culture profoundly impacting. The warmth and generosity was touching – and makes me feel that we Aussies miss out on alot in how we relate to strangers.
I love that part of travelling! I love being thrown off kilter by the tiny
and not-so-tiny differences in things I always took for granted.
You’re right about the Latino culture – so much warmth. Love it.
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Once after a night of hanging out with friends in Bolivia, I got up to start clearing the table of dishes. I was at a friend’s house and he and another guy continued sitting at the table as I began washing dishes. They made some comment about how nice it was to see a girl with a servant heart and I, being tired and sick of the constant machismo attitudes, slammed a plate down and answered, “Yeah, well women like men to have servant hearts too.” It was not the first or the last time I would get into a gender role-themed argument with my Bolivian friends- and it was indicative of how I generally handled them- fine when I wasn’t emotional or tired, not so fine when I was feeling consumed by the issues of culture, communication and understanding. Late at night is not a good time to point out to me my gringa status, claim women should do all of the housework or call me your “secretary.”
All that to say- thanks for sharing:-)
Oh man, I hear you. I’m all fine and culturally sensitive, etc, etc, till I get caught in a bad mood! The one that really gets me is when some random man on the street or in a bus will start chatting to me, and then ask me how my boyfriend / brother / father can possibly let me travel alone.
Grrr. Nobody “lets” me travel alone. I do what I bloody well want. This one has seen me snap back quite a few times, to the genuine surprise of whoever is talking to me, and absolutely does not see the problem with such a comment.